Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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