My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
