just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
