im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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