She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
