how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
