im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
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you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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