He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
