i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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