sarcasm needs its own font
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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