I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Fuck appropriateness.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
