Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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