Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
