I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
