I think I won the penis lottery.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I pour the whiskey from now on
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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