you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
