i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I forget how to act sober
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