I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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