You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
