Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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