Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
