You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My hand turned me down
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
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you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
As shirtless as possible
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.