And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Operation Purity has been aborted
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom