This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
