Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
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Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
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He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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