You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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