A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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