your parents love me but you hate me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
