I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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