Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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