I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
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I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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