Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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