Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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