Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize