I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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