im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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