i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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