I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
