Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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