I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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