Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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