Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
