but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
