I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My vagina is very pro this idea
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