well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
