I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
