I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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