I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
