i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
