***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
