good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
