Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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