Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
