I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
