Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
is wine microwaveable?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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