Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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