I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
