Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
